Dakota Coombes Blog

As I finish my homework in my New York Yankee themed basement bedroom featuring a Fathead of Derek Jeter and pinstripe-painted walls that mirrored the famous jerseys, a hunger pang strikes me. We had already had dinner for the evening but it was clear that I needed to eat something. I quickly ran upstairs to see what we had in the fridge.

I am too young at this point to appreciate the sweet, sweet leftovers that are in the fridge. I expect every meal to be made fresh for me like the little king I am. Who wants leftovers when they can have something fresh?

I open the fridge to see if there is anything good in there. I scan each row of items in the fridge. How can it be so full yet so empty?

I closed the door, disappointed that there wasn’t a freshly-made meal ready to go for me.

Wait! I should check the pantry!

I take ten steps over to the pantry and scan the rows of food in there.

Nothing.

Bingo! The snack section.

Target acquired. Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts.

I ask to make sure that I can have some snacks from the pantry. I help myself to a pack of Pop Tarts. Then, a second. Then, capitalism’s messiest, tastiest snack ever created. The Nature Valley Bar.

Pretty satisfied with myself, I retired back to my Yankee dungeon. Shortly thereafter, I was summoned by my step-mom.

She had pulled the wrappers from the trash and was scolding me for eating 1,000 calories worth of shit.

All I could think is, “who the hell goes through the trash?”

She informed me that if I was that hungry, I should have simply made myself a sandwich. The sandwich meat was clearly in one of the drawers of the fridge that vegetables go to die and it would have been significantly more filling than all of the food that I had eaten.

This interaction subconsciously and consciously has impacted me ever since.

I wouldn’t go on to realize the subconscious impact until I lived with my then girlfriend in college. She came from a family of snackers. There were always snacks around her childhood home which necessitated that we had snacks in our apartment.

Due to my experience growing up, I had a guilt around snacking that subconsciously dissuaded me from ever buying snacks for myself - or at least in a quantity of more than one snack item. This meant that if I was grocery shopping, I would rarely get snacks unless asked and is even pervasive into my marriage today.

Since this one interaction in my childhood, I rarely buy snacks as I feel a sense of guilt eating too many when I know that I should just be eating a meal to satiate me instead.

I never would have realized this subconscious bias without being asked why I never get snacks by my girlfriend in college. I am also constantly reminded of this each time I forget to get snacks for my wife - at the very least I should know to get Perfect Bars by now.

We all have experiences from our childhood that shape our adult experience. They tint the lenses that we view life through.

Some of us are aware of the experiences that tint the lenses that we wear. Some of us are even able to take these glasses off and swap them for the glasses of others for the sake of empathy and understanding. Others have worn these glasses for so long and never once asked what is tinting the perspective from which they view their life.

They instead assume that their perspective is right and that everybody is wrong. Or, they have an experience like my ex asking me why I never get snacks that forces them to feel the glasses on their face and even changes the tint of the lenses.

When attempting to understand yourself to make the most of your life, it is important to understand what tints the lenses through which you view life. Without understanding what causes the tints or even the fact that you are wearing these glasses, you are limited to listening to information that validates your thoughts and beliefs.

To be very clear, this is an ongoing practice. An ongoing journey of understanding yourself. This is not something to be reviewed once and never thought about again.

Disclaimer

As you start to explore your perspective and life experience, I want you to remember one thing.

Nobody and no experience is to blame for where you are at in life. Regardless of your situation or circumstances, you made the decisions to get to where you are today. Not changing anything about your circumstances to this point or allowing what has happened in your life to control you is a choice. A choice of passivity and external locus of control. To really be able to apply my philosophies, you will have to learn to take ownership of where you are at and stop letting your past define you.

Every moment of every day, you make a vote for who you want to be. Vote for the version of you that gets what you want out of life.

Understanding Your Tint

I check Facebook numerous times a day. It’s one of my bad habits.

When I scroll through Facebook, my feed is populated with dogs being rehomed. This isn’t Facebook targeted advertisement but a reality that I have created for myself. I follow many dog pages. Mastiff Rehoming. Great Dane Rehoming. Rescues. Shelters. Breeders.

I see this constant, glaring message that there are so many dogs that are getting abused and neglected because people breed irresponsibly and take no ownership of the lives that they put into the world and a message that conveys that people rush into this decision of taking on a life that they will have to support for many years that they are ill-equipped to care for as they can barely take care of themselves and their family. The amount of animals that are euthanized because of their human counterparts disgusts me.

This pisses me off to my core. Why do we have breed bans? Why don’t we make it highly punitive to backyard breed to the point where it dissuades anybody approaching this irresponsibly? Why is our solution to so many animals ending up in the humane society or pound euthanasia - something inherently reactive while we rarely pass proactive legislation? Why don’t we have severe ramifications for those that neglect their dogs to the point of starvation or the people that discard their animals in fields to maybe survive when they have been taught to be dependent upon us for survival?

I have to remind myself that dogs and pets have always been something that I care deeply about. That I am very methodical with my decision making and actively chose not to get a dog in college purely because I wanted to be sure that I could afford to pay for any vet bill that surfaced. That I have the experience of watching so many dogs come into my home and get rehomed. That I have the experience of having my dogs in a 12x12 kennel outside in the heat of the summer with minimal protection from the elements, the kennel covered in dog shit because us children were entrusted with their care.

While our dogs weren’t starved, there are many things that I can reflect on from my childhood that I hate that our pets experienced. How I have vowed to never let that happen to any animal that I bring into my family.

I have to remind myself that to some, their animals are tools for hunting or protecting their livestock. To some, they are a gift that they give their children. To some, they struggle to reach out for help and can’t see that they are damaging another life because of that. To some, a quick paycheck to be cashed.

While I have incredibly strong opinions about how we should care for our pets, our forever-dependent family members, my perspective is shaped by this experience and it’s not fair of me to assume that everybody has the same perspective nor experience.

It took me a long time to experience anything besides rage and pity for these animals - I still experience these emotions - but with a greater understanding of my emotions, I can better empathize with the people that don’t care for their pets in the same way that I do because they have their own life experience that brought them to this point. To be clear, I don’t condone the maltreatment of animals nor our euthanization culture that runs rampant across the US because of these people - I just have a better understanding of what might be causing these problems.

Understanding your tint is simple conceptually but in practice much, much harder. It is important for you to create a space where you can allow your brain to freely think through the answers it is naturally wanting to provide. If you find yourself forcing your mind a certain way, you aren’t going to truly understand the tint of your lenses.

I find this easiest to practice by questioning a specific line of thinking. Let’s use my treatment of animals views above.

I start by seeing something that bothers me - dogs on a euthanasia list, clearly after suffering months or years of neglect with fear in their eyes and the clock ticking down to an early, unnecessary, preventable death. You can start with something that upsets you like this or something that makes you happy - you can even analyze something that you have apathy towards. If you highly agree or highly disagree with my sentiment towards dogs/animals, this might be a great example to start with. If it doesn’t resonate, you are still welcome to reflect on why it doesn’t or choose something more relevant to you right now.

Once you have your topic, it’s time to explore it. I typically explore it by beginning with why. Why is this dog in this situation? What did it do to deserve this? Why are humans so cruel? If you notice, I almost start with the external situation before I move internally. The more your understand the context that you are viewing this situation through, the easier it is to look introspectively.

I am clearly looking at the dog as the victim and human as the perpetrator in this situation. I paused at “why are humans so cruel” because this is a thought or feeling that I am projecting onto the situation. It may not be what everybody else is seeing when they see a dog in the shelter. Someone else may see that image and think, “wow, that dog’s owner must have had a really hard time surrendering a member of their family but I’m glad that they tried to do right by the dog so it can find a better home.” This perspective may be formed by someone that has previously had to rehome their dog that had a hard time making that decision.

Now I ask myself, why do I feel this way? Why is the dog the victim? What in my life has made me view the situation this way?

A word of caution - why questions can feel inherently judgemental. It is imperative that you ask why questions in an exploratory way. Approach this with childlike curiosity. If you feel your mental tone getting harsh, you may want to explore where that is coming from.

Wherever your mind goes, try not to judge yourself. I share the brief insights of how dogs were treated in my home because it is something that I have judged myself for. I was a child in middle school, how was I supposed to challenge my mom and step dad at the time for how our animals were being treated?

The deeper you take this line of questioning, the more you will uncover what tints the lens through which you view life. You may hit roadblocks in your lines of questioning. That’s okay. You may not be able to fully discover the memories in one sitting. That’s okay. This is an ongoing process.

You will get derailed from your thoughts. You may forget what you were doing. You may have to revisit this numerous times as you go through life, but you will become continually self-aware throughout the process and it will become more and more clear as you move through life.

My example was more surface level but you can use this to identify why you don’t want to get married, what is stopping you from changing jobs, why you view your body the way you do, and other much deeper concepts.

If you are comfortable, you can also engage in this with another person. I would ensure that it is someone that you trust so you feel you can share yourself with them.

I have found that some of the greatest progress I have made with this introspection is when my wife asks me why I view something a specific way. This is never asked in a judgemental tone, but the loving tone of someone that wants to deeply understand the way that I think.

Without her questioning, I wouldn’t have thought to do this and wouldn’t be nearly as mindful as I have become. Thank you, Syd.

Changing Your Tint

We all have points of view that are going to change and develop as we go through life. I have not maintained the same world-view that I grew up with and I definitely don’t expect you to have an unchanged world-view either.

The tint of your glasses is naturally going to change with time. You are going to have life experiences that negatively impact you. You are going to have life experiences that positively impact you. Society and technology change and iterate.

All of these components shape your perspective.

Your perception of the world is ever-evolving - even if you are a static character in this game of life. The question is, are you comfortable with this change happening to you or would you like to have a say in it?

To have a say in the changing of the tint, you need to be intentional. When you are watching YouTube, you need to think about the content that you are consuming, the messaging, and why it is resonating with you. When you get on X and see something that you vehemently disagree with - why do you disagree? What may have shaped this person’s perspective? What shaped yours?

With intentional focus and reflection, you get to alter how you perceive the events that take place in your lifetime, altering the tint of your lens.

You get to choose if your divorce is the worst thing that ever happened to you or the best. You get to choose whether or not you hold a grudge. It is your choice to look at people with polar opposite views to you and try to empathize and understand where they are coming from.

You will have a much more fulfilling life if you are intentional with your approach to understanding how you have let your experiences and external forces impact your life. You don’t have control over everything that has happened to you. That’s okay. You have control over yourself and how you choose to let these events impact you.

I challenge you to find the positives even in the worst of experiences. It’s cliche but it allows you to regain control over yourself and your life. The benefits of this clearly outweigh reminiscing on an event that is never ever going to change.

Dwelling on the past is wasted energy if you don’t use it to propel you forward.

This may sound ironic considering the focus of this was to reflect on your life and understand why you view life the way you do but there is a stark difference between intentional reflection on your life and living in the past in memories that are slowly warping the more you revisit them. You can’t change what has happened in the past.

It’s time to accept it and move forward. Stop wasting the present moment.

Every time you look at the world, you're peering through lenses shaped by your experiences like my Pop Tart incident. Once you recognize these lenses exist, you can choose how to use them. You can clean them, adjust them, or sometimes even try on a different pair entirely.

Understanding your lenses isn't just about self-awareness - it's about giving yourself the power to consciously shape how you view and interact with the world around you. Through this understanding, you can begin moving your life in the direction you choose, seeing possibilities that were always there but perhaps blurred by the tint of your past experiences.