Closure

One of the most infuriating childhood experiences is your parents getting rid of your things before you were ready to part with them. 

My sister was old enough to want Pokemon cards when they initially were released. This led to us having most of the first gen cards. 

As her interest waned, my interest increased. Not only was I into Pokemon but I was into YuGiOh as well. 

While I’m sure they weren’t as well taken care of as they could have been - I kept them in an Adidas shoe box - I know all of the cards were in pretty solid shape as I had them through middle school. 

When my mom got divorced - they disappeared. I don’t remember if she had given them to my step brother or if she had sold them but my sister and I were stripped of our ability to choose the fate of those cards. 

Anybody who has experienced this knows that it is painful as an adult reflecting on some of your most prized childhood possessions that you had no say in parting with. 

I got rid of many of my toys but those I didn’t choose to part with left a hole. 

That hole was so big to me that I went on a mission last year to fill it. I’d never get the cards back that were taken from us - but I could fulfill my childhood dream of pulling the elusive Charizard. 

Last year, on my birthday, my wife bought me a pack of Pokemon 151 - a rerelease of the original 151 Pokemon with updated art. 

In the first pack that I opened from her, I pulled my first ever Charizard. 

I was elated. I had spent hundreds of dollars on cards in the last few months trying to pull a Charizard from various packs and he managed to dodge me, just like my childhood. 

Finally, I had closure. 

But it wasn’t good enough. I spent hundreds of dollars more and ended up ripping more packs in pursuit of the special art rare Charizard from the set. 

Fortune smiled upon me and I was able to pull one of those as well. 

And now? 

They sit in a binder. In a drawer. Behind my desk. 

The last time I looked at them was when I was considering getting rid of all of the cards with how much space they take up. 

That’s right - I had effectively replaced what had been stripped from me but now I want to get rid of it. 

I have spent months going back and forth on this asking why?

Why would I waste all of that money to acquire these cards? I could have spent $100 and been done with it. Why would I want to get rid of it after finally filling the hole I’ve had for so many years?

The deeper I went with this reflection, the more I have come to realize that when I have made the decision to sell something, I may have small regrets but ultimately can live with the decision I made when I was younger. 

Now, I am faced with having a collection that brings me limited satisfaction in the ownership but fondness in the memories. I don’t need the cards to remember the feeling of my wife buying me the first pack that I pulled a Charizard from. 

I don’t need to hoard the cards as I ultimately know that I could buy them all in the future if I have a massive regret in selling them.

Ultimately, I needed to spend all of the money to close a loop on a previous version of my life. I also needed to retake the control that was retaken from me. 

I had not been the decision-maker in getting rid of our cards. Now, I have the ability to be the one to let them go. 

This has put me in the position to recognize the limited value that they bring to my life as I have no desire to play the long game of collecting and moving them with me. 

It leaves me wondering: what else in my life do I simply need to close the loop on in my life by simply regaining the control that was stripped of me when I was young? 

What about you? 

Knowing myself, I don’t think I will be able to figure this out and get the closure that I need without completing these loops. I struggle not knowing the feeling and prefer to learn from experience even when I know the outcome. 

Maybe you can learn from me. Or maybe you can learn this with me, knowing what the lesson ultimately is. 

Just know that if you go pursuing the Charizard of your youth, once you obtain it - the joy will likely be fleeting. You will ultimately come to recognize it as just another object in your home that represents little more than a memory.